I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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