I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
