There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Randomize
