I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
