K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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