I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
