my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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