I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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