The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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