who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
