I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
