I think i peed on brittanys purse
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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