if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Why are your pants in the freezer?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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