He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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