I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
