Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
