She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
we're making bets on your personal life
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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