I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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