when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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