i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
