No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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