have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
