I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
