at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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