I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
