Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
