I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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