Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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