It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
