Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
