Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
