I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just want nice things and good sex
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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