awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
