I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
