I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
