I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
