Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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