I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
