If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
