I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
