I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
