can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
