see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
