we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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