i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
