you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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