So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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