Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
