Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
