I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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