Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
