they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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